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Let’s Not Forget

That you cannot feel the vibration of your unbroken spirit right now, hear the beating of your innocent heart, or see the possibility of love, peace of mind, and well-being in your life does not mean it does not exist. It is there! You will find it when you remove the debris of habitual thoughts of not being good enough!

 

Recovering From Abuse

Recovering from the legacies of abuse or other forms of (childhood) hardship can not only be a lonely and painful road, but also confusing. I started this blog 4 years ago to help with de-confusing the field of recovery and to publish findings from my research about Dissociative Identity Disorder and Sexual Abuse Recovery.

Over the years thousands of survivors have browsed through the posts and pages and, at times, created supportive communities here through their comments. Those who have browsed the site extensively will have noticed that – as our knowledge about recovery improved, the tone of the postings has changed.

This time around – End of 2011 – the tone will shift again reflecting new insights I have had and the new understanding that has changed significantly how I see recovery today. I hope you find useful tips and comments. If you disagree, I am very happy to hear about it here through comments or messages to my email.

On my official website you will find lots of posts about general therapy issues such as: Depression, Stress, Relationships, Communication, and Brain Research.

14 Comments

  1. Everyone loves what you guys are usually up too.
    This kind of clever work and coverage! Keep up the awesome
    works guys I’ve incorporated you guys to my personal blogroll.

  2. MaryLou Mordecai

    It’s great to know I’m not alone, that someone understands and I’m believed

  3. I was given the link to this web page today..I am so excited to be have found such a page where I can read, share and no longer feel trapped in a lonely world…Thank you…..

  4. This is a sensitive blog for those who so desparately need healing. Thank you to those who are sharing your heart.

  5. I finally finished my response to the comments further down. Sorry for taking so long. I was waiting for an inspiration of how to respond and this morning I woke up knowing what to write. The post is called: Discounting the Past. I am interested in your thoughts about it!

  6. shyme

    I do sort of get it it is like the past does not matter and some things ar enot even really real and if you can just leave it then you wontt be stuck with it any more becuase it does nt matter any more. I think I cant t move on of it becuase I still want it to matter but its no point becuase if it doesn matter it just doesn even if you want it to. pay some one every week besause i hope that somehow something will matter and i could just keep hoping that for ever but it will never make any of it matter. I dont think you can pay some one to make something matter to them you jsut cant. i jsut need to get the wanting it to matter to go away and then every thing else will just go away to. I no I do not need therpy I jsut need to to stop the wanting.

    • Hi Shyme, I think I have not been clear enough with my last posts – partly because it’s just not a really simple black and white situation when we think about THOUGHTS. I am almost finished writing another post to answer more indepth what people have commented here. What I want you to know, though, is that off course what happened mattered. It matters to you and I am sure it matters to your therapist. I think the key is that it has to matter to all of you first – and then all of you can gently let it go because its over now. That however is not such a simple process because not all of you will understand or realise that it is over now. That sometimes takes time and explaining it over and over again with loving care in your heart.

  7. :)

    I guess thats the conditioning we need to change,
    I guess once people start to validate there own experiences and thought proccess around the abuse and the hold the abuses had and still have through our own patterns its then change is possible.
    Im hoping that makes sense,
    Thats what I know for me is the answer, am I able to do this, yes in many ways and no in many ways, do I still feel the same way you do, at the moment yes, and then it changes to no I feel great.
    I guess we are just being normal human beings and sometimes that is really uncomfortable.
    I think at the moment I don’t no where to put my emotions so there building and because I cant explain whats going on and am frustrated because im slipping into old experiences, I am trying to be as quiet as I can so I don’t give energy to it.
    Hey and guess what its not working 🙂

    • VK

      Yes I do understand what you are saying (: and I am sorry that you are struggling. When I reentered therapy I had so much confusion and lack of understanding, denial and fear of what was going on for me. I found this blog a huge source of solace as it helped me to understand myself and showed me a way forward and I am grateful for that. Any change in the philosophy that brought me thus far makes me feel threatened and insecure in regards to my healing pathway. Before, I referred to the article ‘ Achieving Co-consciousness – trauma work’ I had thought that that was the pathway to healing. I also understood that in that approach the therapist, in regards to trauma work and working with memories, played the role of : understanding, listening, respecting, caring, supporting, valuing, accepting, being predictable, reliable, and approachable. In the new approach does the therapist still have that role or does the therapist’s role change? I am just trying to put it all together for myself and trying to understand how the pathway described in that article fits into the 3 principle approach. I just have a gap in my understanding of how this all works together with previous ideas and I am eager to understand this better.

  8. :)

    All those things go through my head at the moment a lot of it in past tense, was the way I did things neccassary, was I just a good actress in a stage show.
    The anger and guilt I feel for wasting so much time, when I could have just thought something else.
    The hours being locked up, etc.
    I have to say STOP because when I think of the actual years I experienced abuse, which would have been over the period of 10 years, I then realised I had kept myself captive to it for another 25 by trying to let go of it.
    Would I have or could I have done it differentley, No because I healed this way, thats it I did.
    I finally have found something I can grasp and consolidate my spirituality, but Im scared of it.
    The thing im struggling with the most at the moment is not struggling with it, what ever it is?
    The thing is that I know hesitate to talk to anyone, I write all these questions and feelings and delete time after time.
    This whole post has come out all mixed up, totally clear what I want to say in my head.
    🙂

    • Vk

      I sruggle too with the wondering how this validates a peron’s experience. How many trauma survivors were told when they were children experiencing abuse that ‘it doesn’t hurt’ when it did and ‘you like this’ when they didn’t and ‘you are making his happen’ when they weren’t. And also how many survivors were told when they were young that what ever they thought happened didn’t. How many children were programmed to wake up and go to school like nothing was wrong. I understand that these are my fitlers but i am triggered by any programming that tells me that what I am experiencingg isn’t what I am experiencing. I struggle wih this enough all the time in my own world. I was reading ‘Achieving co conciousness’ and I wonder if what was written there still holds true in the new philosophy?

  9. Vk

    Where does the past and listening to your thoughts fit into the three principle philosophy? Although I can see the merit in the ‘I am not my thoughts’ based approach, I get stuck in a couple of places, probably due to my lack of understanding. Firstly, I get stuck with feeling it discounts my thoughts and experiences, triggering stuff from the past. I feel like I am only just beginning to trust my experiences and thoughts (largely due to following philosophies like those posted earlier on this blog). I was also only just beginning to trust that anyone else will actually listen, understand and believe me. I realise what I am hearing about this approach is through my filters and my perception of the word and may not be what is really being said. However, what is filtering through is ‘what happened to me doesn’t matter or isn’t real’ and ‘what I think and feel doesn’t matter or isn’t real’.

    Secondly, I get uncomfortable with this approach because of a prior belief I held that ‘my life is perfect and nothing is wrong’. My spirituality has been a source of light and I believe it is what has guided me safely thus far. Eastern philosophies have had a very positive influence on me but haven’t ‘cured’ me of what goes on inside my head, it was almost used as a vehicle for my denial. There was/is a dominant part of me that believed for a long time that everything was alright and that there was nothing wrong and it served a purpose. It believed that my ‘spirituality’ was the only way to solve things and that I didn’t need therapy. It couldn’t acknowledge or couldn’t see that which was ‘wrong’ in my life. It could only see what was on the surface and any PTSD / dissociative stuff just wasn’t real or was ignored and life was lived that way. Then something happened and that which was happening beneath the surface became so extreme that it couldn’t be denied and the reality that something was wrong came crashing down on me and I entered therapy again.

    There is still that part of me that struggles with going to therapy and still believes that meditation is the only help it needs. But perhaps my soul has guided me to therapy and this is where the soul can do its healing work. Is a part of that work looking back at things from the past and at the things difficult to face? Doesn’t that take time and trust? The idea that I am not broken and that there’s nothing to heal makes sense as I believe that the soul is whole, complete and perfect. But it also confuses me. If I don’t acknowledge the darkness inside, I don’t give myself the opportunity to illumine it. It just gets locked up. Darkness doesn’t necessarily mean something is wrong it just means there are spaces inside that have not yet seen any light. If they are never looked at or talked about then those spaces will continue to haunt me. I haven’t yet had the chance unlock these dark spaces and focus on the past. I haven’t yet given myself the chance to tell my story or get help because I don’t yet know how. But I know there are parts of me that want to do this. It’s taking time and when i push too hard things fall apart. So the idea that the past should not be focused on, or that it can be addressed quickly and easily, when I am moving slowly and painfully, is challenging. And the idea that my thoughts, my parts and the darkness I experience are not real feels discounting and like a step backwards. Am I misunderstanding the approach?

  10. shirley

    My heart goes out to the people in Christchurch. There are some events that enable us to put our focus into a wider perspective, and for me, to be able to send my love and empathy to others, helps release the often inward-looking self to be able to give to others in one way or another. Arohanui

  11. Jess

    I like the lovely pictures above the home page name.

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