I wish all my readers a wonderful ‘TwentyTen’. As the new year begins we are looking forward to the coming days, weeks, and months hoping that the hard times of the past year are behind us. I hope that you find in the New Year all you need: support, love, care, rest, peace, healing, and well-being.
I hope that in some small ways this blog may help you on your way to recovery. It is heart-warming to see how much support and caring readers express to each other through their comments. I would like to encourage everyone to keep using this site as a place for support as well as for information.
If there is any topic you think is missing here, any question you would like to have addressed, feel free to mention it here or drop me an email.
On my Therapy Blog you find lots of posts about general therapy issues such as: Depression, Stress, Relationships, Communication, Brain Research.
Multiple Voices 
Welcome Sarah
Great that you have posted on here. I can sympathise with you on the feeling of having a part theat is self-loathing and destructive. I have a part of me that often when around doesnt think it is worthwhile living and so all thoughts of surviving go out the window and it can be a struggle to keep going. i think this part has so much hurt that she gets overwhelmed by it all – but what s said in previous reply is so true – they need us to love them. Im a slow learner so this is taking a long, long time!!
sometimes i feel really connected but at others totally disconnected to her hurt and pain. this journey aint easy – but i hear it is worthwhile to keep going. hope you find helpful information on the site – i certainly have. Take care of yourself – our hurt is not of our making –
Welcome Sarah
Great that you have posted on here. I can sympathise with you on the feeling of having a part theat is self-loathing and destructive. I have a part of me that often when around doesnt think it is worthwhile living and so all thoughts of surviving go out the window and it can be a struggle to keep going. i think this part has so much hurt that she gets overwhelmed by it all – but what s said in previous reply is so true – they need us to love them. Im a slow learner so this is taking a long, long time!!
sometimes i feel really connected but at others totally disconnected to her hurt and pain. this journey aint easy – but i hear it is worthwhile to keep going. hope you find helpful information on the site – i certainly have. Take care of yourself – our hurt is not of our making –
Hi Sarah, If you look under the blog page, EMOTIONS and scroll in about three pages, ther will be a blog about Trouble maker parts, The Misunderstood parts, It might be helpful I found it helpful
Hi Sarah, If you look under the blog page, EMOTIONS and scroll in about three pages, ther will be a blog about Trouble maker parts, The Misunderstood parts, It might be helpful I found it helpful
I found that my troublesome/destructive parts just needed me to love them. Simple to say, sometimes near impossible to do. Time, practice, patience and trust. I think other things have been written about this subject on this site, I can’t remember where. You will have to search around a bit. Oh, by the way, these parts of mine didn’t want me to reply. They were immediatly antagonistic and put up barriers. It can sometimes be a real juggle.
Hi Sarah, I appreciate your post & your courage to post this. What your feeling is normal & part of the journey towards recovery Im sure, and if your anything like me you are probably also feeling angry that no-one has responded to you so far, or that they don’t care, I feel like that at present but realize its probably not true.
Take care.
Hi All:
New to this site. Looking for experience/suggestions about living with co-consiousness or various inner beings. I have always felt conflicted and have a very destructive, self-loathing part of myself. I have become aware of how/why this part “developed” and I believe that it would help me to somehow calm/dissolve/integrate this part to end the self-hate I still feel. I wonder if anyone has had a aimilar experience. Thank you for sharing so much on this site.
Sarah
Hey hi,your blog is very interesting..cool work.
Hi Danielle
How you going? Was great to meet you at the Summit. Didn’t see you at the end so thought you must have had to leave. Just want to encourage you to say hi on here maybe. You did so well at the Summit – was so proud of what you did and how empowered you felt after it. Go girl!!! Hope all is well and would love to hear how you are getting on and if there has been any progress with ACC?
Hi Danielle
How you going? Was great to meet you at the Summit. Didn’t see you at the end so thought you must have had to leave. Just want to encourage you to say hi on here maybe. You did so well at the Summit – was so proud of what you did and how empowered you felt after it. Go girl!!! Hope all is well and would love to hear how you are getting on and if there has been any progress with ACC?
Hi Jessica
How you going? Hey I so like how you explained integration. Agree with you totally. thats a bit of how I experience it “a holding of hans, a strength of togetherness and a learning how our various strengths and gifts maybe used to help us find our ‘place in the world’.” yip thats what I am experiencing a bit of atm. Lots of tweeking though. I thought I had it all together with my study and then a friend got really sick and 10 weeks later died and it all just fell apart. too many emotions and my study part disappears so now I wonder do I just forget about study (this has happened before and I keep wasting money that I have to pay back in my student loan) or try and train those who are up front and presenting to study? Do we all have it or not? Well I am determined to finish my last essay whether I get it in on time or not cause I wanna see if I can do it and whether it will encourage my study part to come back. I think its about doing life all together and all have to learn to study and do emotions at the same time. Time will tell huh!!! will keep ya all posted on that one!!! lol!!! watch this space.
Hi Jessica
How you going? Hey I so like how you explained integration. Agree with you totally. thats a bit of how I experience it “a holding of hans, a strength of togetherness and a learning how our various strengths and gifts maybe used to help us find our ‘place in the world’.” yip thats what I am experiencing a bit of atm. Lots of tweeking though. I thought I had it all together with my study and then a friend got really sick and 10 weeks later died and it all just fell apart. too many emotions and my study part disappears so now I wonder do I just forget about study (this has happened before and I keep wasting money that I have to pay back in my student loan) or try and train those who are up front and presenting to study? Do we all have it or not? Well I am determined to finish my last essay whether I get it in on time or not cause I wanna see if I can do it and whether it will encourage my study part to come back. I think its about doing life all together and all have to learn to study and do emotions at the same time. Time will tell huh!!! will keep ya all posted on that one!!! lol!!! watch this space.
I have realised that intergration isn’t something we ‘try’ to do. Its part of the process that happens eventually by itself. Or what I should say is that that is the way it is happening for me. I am not even sure if I will ever be fully integrated. Co-consciousness is something that takes a while to get a handle on too but I think as we stop fighting each other and stop trying to control each other we just start doing life. For me it seems to get to a point and all is well and integration seems to be going well then something in life happens and I find myself fragmented again. I will say though that I think I am in the process and I have no idea how its going to turn out. The thing is I am no longer holding onto being totally integrated and becoming a singleton cause it actually doesn’t matter to me anymore. I think that my awareness of who I am now and how I am doing life now is ok. Probably better than a lot of singletons where they have to deal with all the emotions all at once. I must say I have had episodes of feeling a lot of different emotions all at once and this sensation isn’t great. But what helps is to know its normal and singletons get that all the time. I do miss being able to seperate and dissociate from emotions as these days can’t seem to do that alot. And gosh its hard work. As I said it helps to know this is normal, and the way I particularly deal with stuff etc is normal for me. I guess what I am saying everyone is different and there is no such thing as ‘normal’. Everyone deals differently and that happens to be normal for them. does that help a little Allie?? sorry can’t be more straightforward. but then what is straightforward about life anyway?
Hi Danielle,
I found this site while researching ‘stopping sexual violence’ and am so pleased that I did. I wanted to say Danielle thank you for sharing your story. I am so sad for you and yet happy that you are still battling. I have a loved one who gave up. I wonder if there are support groups for that because the journey of the raped and their family/friends also needs to be documented as an outcome, a continuing impact on the psychological welfare of the family, in this case, the mother. I am sure ACC is far too mingy to consider ‘collateral damage’ and all its social costs to the family not just $$$$$ costs. The rape of a loved one, is the rape of a family. From my experience there is little if any help out there because the struggle for funding is truly debilitating. I voluntarily work in this field as one who was a victim & is not a ‘survivor’, more a ‘coper’. We need more of us in this work-we are the experts-so Danielle I ask that you continue to fight for your right to healing, support, and a successful happy life. You have a ‘right’ to that-a basic human right!!! NZ needs you more & more empowered so that you can fight against this evil plague that is sexual violation.
Gudren, thank you for all you do. I shall enjoy exploring the site.
Hi Allie, No I don’t know so much about integration, I see it as an optional extra way down the track. I am still getting to accept, know and love my various parts. I believe co-consiousness is the term for it. Ther seems to be so much to learn about each other and put together. I feel that integration could be a problem if we don’t firstly, fully know and understand the whys and wherefores of each part. I think I see it as more of a holding of hands, a strength of togetherness and learning how our various strengths and gifts may be used to help us find our ‘place to stand’ in the world. I can’t think about being one, when I’m just getting to know the intimacies and intricies of my parts. Perhaps what I’m thinking is that integrating is not necessarily an answer to a problem, but more of a final choise after the problems have been worked through
Hi Allie, No I don’t know so much about integration, I see it as an optional extra way down the track. I am still getting to accept, know and love my various parts. I believe co-consiousness is the term for it. Ther seems to be so much to learn about each other and put together. I feel that integration could be a problem if we don’t firstly, fully know and understand the whys and wherefores of each part. I think I see it as more of a holding of hands, a strength of togetherness and learning how our various strengths and gifts may be used to help us find our ‘place to stand’ in the world. I can’t think about being one, when I’m just getting to know the intimacies and intricies of my parts. Perhaps what I’m thinking is that integrating is not necessarily an answer to a problem, but more of a final choise after the problems have been worked through
I am wondering if anyone has ever tried to integrate their aspects or know of anyone that has?
quiet moon on darkest night
shines through my window,
whispers, “SOSA”, peace
Hi Danielle, wow!!! yes I read your story a while back now and just came on here tonight to have a read. I am glad you have found this site it is an awesome site and we try and support each other too. The information is extensive and Gudrun is great at helping us understand where we are at and working with it. I take my hat off to ya girl in telling your story to the newspaper. Very courageous. I am going to the summit and would love a chance to meet you and shake you hand or give ya a safe hug if thats ok. Well done, I hope you are patting yourself on the back. Take care and hope to see you there. The difference with this type of summit is that alot of us have been where you are now and we can support and encourage you because we do understand. I am so looking forward to the Summit because its a chance for us all to become a community – unified. There is a saying that I have heard recently “cause water rises collectively and it rises at the same level.” So when all of us are staying in pain we all stay in pain and so when all of us are getting off the ground we’re all getting off the ground – we can’t help but not. We can fight this in numbers!!!
Hi Danielle, wow!!! yes I read your story a while back now and just came on here tonight to have a read. I am glad you have found this site it is an awesome site and we try and support each other too. The information is extensive and Gudrun is great at helping us understand where we are at and working with it. I take my hat off to ya girl in telling your story to the newspaper. Very courageous. I am going to the summit and would love a chance to meet you and shake you hand or give ya a safe hug if thats ok. Well done, I hope you are patting yourself on the back. Take care and hope to see you there. The difference with this type of summit is that alot of us have been where you are now and we can support and encourage you because we do understand. I am so looking forward to the Summit because its a chance for us all to become a community – unified. There is a saying that I have heard recently “cause water rises collectively and it rises at the same level.” So when all of us are staying in pain we all stay in pain and so when all of us are getting off the ground we’re all getting off the ground – we can’t help but not. We can fight this in numbers!!!
Hi Danielle, thanks for your compliments and great that you’ve found this site. You have shown great courage by going public with your story. It’s so hard to open up your most intimate and private history to the scrutiny of complete strangers. I remember how scary it was to start this blog 3 years ago. It took me about 2 weeks of tossing and turning until I was able to push the ‘publish’ button.
The problem with sexual abuse is the shroud of silence that suffocates survivors all over again. Because so many feel unable to speak out or don’t know how and where to speak out, the sexual abuse of children and adults goes on and on and on. I look at my children and grandchildren and their mates and can’t help but say: WE HAVE TO STAND UP AND BE COUNTED – WE OWE THAT TO OURSELVES AND OUR CHILDREN!
I hope you – and lots of other survivors – find the courage to come to the summit. It’s for the many, many survivors out there who feel all alone in their struggle. Come and experience the support, care, and inspiration. We will make it a heart-warming experience!
if only I could share some of my ACC hours with you. but there is always support out there somewhere if you need it, and always on this site. We are in this together.
if only I could share some of my ACC hours with you. but there is always support out there somewhere if you need it, and always on this site. We are in this together.
Hi Danielle I have the utmost respect and admiration towards you for telling your story. Before I read it I was ready to give up my ACC claim then realised that If I did, ACC had won. I am not only a child abuse survivor but an adult abused survivor as well. I have only been waiting 5 months for my claim to be assessed but many others have been waiting longer. There are some awesome lifelines out there its just looking in the right places and the SOSA summit would be a great place to start networking. I look forward to meeting you there and hope that this could be the start of my journey to safe healing.
Kia Kaha and Arohanui Nikki Kirk
Hi Danielle I have the utmost respect and admiration towards you for telling your story. Before I read it I was ready to give up my ACC claim then realised that If I did, ACC had won. I am not only a child abuse survivor but an adult abused survivor as well. I have only been waiting 5 months for my claim to be assessed but many others have been waiting longer. There are some awesome lifelines out there its just looking in the right places and the SOSA summit would be a great place to start networking. I look forward to meeting you there and hope that this could be the start of my journey to safe healing.
Kia Kaha and Arohanui Nikki Kirk
Welcome Danielle!
It really struck me how brave you were to share your story and what a powerful message it sent out to NZ about the injustice of the ACC system. It’s such a courageous thing to do to speak out for so many other survivors.
I like what you said about ‘keep doing the next best thing’ and I hope you some support here. I know how hard it is to step out sometimes and I don’t know if I am brave enough to go to the summit – but your bravery is inspiring.
thank you (:
Hi there, It is really nice to have you here on the blog, I have just read the article, What a couragous women! ACC absoluetly sickens me, how dare they,God they have no Idea do they. I hope you do find the strength to come to the Summit as it was one of the most helpful things on my journey, to find others that were walking the same or similar path, It can feel so lonely but hopefully together we can change that.
Hang in there, Jae
Hi, I just wanted to connect in on this blog and say hi to Gudren and the others that post here. I truly admire and respect the work that Gudren and other out there are doing at the moment to try and shine some light on Suvivor’s rights on being able to access help and care in New Zealand. I just found this blog through the website for the SOSA Summit coming up in June. Even though at the moment it can take me days to be able to manage to get to and through the supermarket I hope I am able to manage to get to the summit.
I had the opportunity of telling a small piece of my story in last weeks paper – http://www.stuff.co.nz/sunday-star-times/3702659/Rape-victim-ACC-cut-my-lifeline – it has been a bit scary doing something so public with part of me that has always been as big of a secret as I could manage, but I think no matter what end’s up happening for me personally that it was the right thing to do.
I hope to be able to stay linked in with this blog, I have been finding it a bit difficult finding support lately and it has been hard.
I hope that anyone else out there that is also finding it rough now is also able to keep on managing to ‘do the next best thing’ what ever that is for them. That’s all I can do some of the time.
Keep up the good work Gudren!
This is the letter I wrote to Nick Smith and others …
Dear Minister,
Anger, disbelief, disgust and horror do not go far enough to describe how I am feeling right now about your policy of making victims of Sexual Abuse and Rape be assessed and diagnosed with a clinical mental illness BEFORE they are entitled to receive ACC funded councelling.
I am totally appalled that you would allow situations such as the poor woman who killed herself due to lack of help and support through ACC to ever get that far (http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10641028).
Victims need, deserve and are entitled to IMMEDIATE help, support and councelling, if they seek it.
Government should not be stopping this process in any way, shape or form. A life is on the line and that is far more important than trying to save a few pennies while spending huge dollars forcing victims to wait to be assessed by a psychologist to be diagnosed with a mental illness.
SHAME … SHAME … SHAME on you for your lack of empathy, morality and good judgement.
I am a survivor of rape and sexual abuse so I know full well what going through these traumatic events can do to a person.
I HAVE BEEN RAPED … DON’T RAPE ME (or anyone else) AGAIN with your policy.
Cool Gudrun, this helps to find all the posts too cause I find the 2 I couldn’t find before as it is now latest first so they are near the top. Thankyou darls!!! hehe!!!
Cool Gudrun, this helps to find all the posts too cause I find the 2 I couldn’t find before as it is now latest first so they are near the top. Thankyou darls!!! hehe!!!
Hi Uznco, I dont know about missing posts. It all depends under which original post people respond. I realise lots of people write something on the homepage because they might not addressing a particular post. I have set up a FORUM category for you all to use for that kind of stuff and for talking to each other. Lets see whether itll work for you.
Thanks for the idea to have the newest on top. That makes a lot of sense not to have to scroll down several pages to get to the latest.
Cheers
Gudrun
Hi Uznco, I dont know about missing posts. It all depends under which original post people respond. I realise lots of people write something on the homepage because they might not addressing a particular post. I have set up a FORUM category for you all to use for that kind of stuff and for talking to each other. Lets see whether itll work for you.
Thanks for the idea to have the newest on top. That makes a lot of sense not to have to scroll down several pages to get to the latest.
Cheers
Gudrun
Hey there seems to be posts that go missing Gudrun??? someone else told me they wrote on here and when they went back in to have a look it wasn’t here yet it was down the side under recent comments??? Now I see that there is a post from you and _ yet I cannot see them here??? Also I was wondering if it would be possible to have the latest posts at the top going down to the later posts. Just that some are quite long – ha maybe I’m being lazy and can’t be bothered scrolling all the way down to the bottom. LOL!!!
Hey there seems to be posts that go missing Gudrun??? someone else told me they wrote on here and when they went back in to have a look it wasn’t here yet it was down the side under recent comments??? Now I see that there is a post from you and _ yet I cannot see them here??? Also I was wondering if it would be possible to have the latest posts at the top going down to the later posts. Just that some are quite long – ha maybe I’m being lazy and can’t be bothered scrolling all the way down to the bottom. LOL!!!
Hi there, any issues related to recovery are OK to be discussed on this site. See that you dont do it here on the front page because its already overflowing with general comments about all sorts of issues. There should be some self-harm / crisis posts on this site. That would be a great place to hold the discussion. I will have a look later myself and will think about posting something about that issue. Its a very important topic that is often hard to discuss. Congrats for your courage to bring it up!
Cheers Gudrun
Hi there, any issues related to recovery are OK to be discussed on this site. See that you dont do it here on the front page because its already overflowing with general comments about all sorts of issues. There should be some self-harm / crisis posts on this site. That would be a great place to hold the discussion. I will have a look later myself and will think about posting something about that issue. Its a very important topic that is often hard to discuss. Congrats for your courage to bring it up!
Cheers Gudrun
i don’t know how it would be on this site to discuss issues of self abuse?
this is strange, can’t find JT’s or your posts on this page. Clicked in the link under recent comments and can’t find them????????
Hi Gudrun,
I also liked the painting. The open window ‘opens up’all sorts of possibilities and desires, and provides a passage for memories, dreaming, journeying, and lines of flight. Birds can be sent from an open window. Then there is the link with the sea, its rhythms and movement and many moods, its ebb and folw and meditative qualities. And beyond, the deep, blue endless air.
I once wrote a poem about a woman at a window.
WHITE TABLE.
She waits
between walls
furnished with silence,
sometimes standing,
sometimes sitting,
looking out,
her back to the room.
Light spills
from the window
out onto the sea.
Behind her
the house breaths
its history of echoes.
Walls contract and expand,
sighing.
The sea breeze
mingles with her breath
imperceptably.
Weightless house,
still settled
in the earth,
anchored by a
white table.
Hi Gudrun,
I also liked the painting. The open window ‘opens up’all sorts of possibilities and desires, and provides a passage for memories, dreaming, journeying, and lines of flight. Birds can be sent from an open window. Then there is the link with the sea, its rhythms and movement and many moods, its ebb and folw and meditative qualities. And beyond, the deep, blue endless air.
I once wrote a poem about a woman at a window.
WHITE TABLE.
She waits
between walls
furnished with silence,
sometimes standing,
sometimes sitting,
looking out,
her back to the room.
Light spills
from the window
out onto the sea.
Behind her
the house breaths
its history of echoes.
Walls contract and expand,
sighing.
The sea breeze
mingles with her breath
imperceptably.
Weightless house,
still settled
in the earth,
anchored by a
white table.
Hi JT, great to hear from you again. I had a very similar thought when I saw this picture. Its one of the early paintings of Salvatore Dali! Enjoy!
Hey Gudrun howzit,
The picture at the top of the person looking out of the window is really kool. I so relate to it in a weird kind of way. A window of hope, opportunity, excitment, venture, and fear are just a few things that come to mind when I look at the picture. Its a long story but basically its one of the things that kept me hopeful throughout my growing up years and still I do it today. Funny, how something as simple as staring out of a window can give out a sense of hope, when hope is no where to be found inside the home. Sorry if this dont make sense, but it makes sense to me. The picture put a smile on my dial anywayz. Very kool.
Cheers
JT
hi there, Strategic Book Publishing, is currently being sued in Florida because it has been running a scam, you can google more information. I will be glad when it is all over.
Hi Amanda, What court cawe is that???? I agree to beable to move forward and to beable to let go I think we do have to acknowledge our painful past. Which of course takes time. All the best.
Hi Amanda, What court cawe is that???? I agree to beable to move forward and to beable to let go I think we do have to acknowledge our painful past. Which of course takes time. All the best.
Second thoughts, I better wait until the court case is over! Hopefully that will be soon! Happy to share after that!
Second thoughts, I better wait until the court case is over! Hopefully that will be soon! Happy to share after that!
For sure! I have to admit though, despite working through as much as I have, it’s hard to let go completely. Especially when it has been such a big part of your life and your daily functioning for so long. I guess it’s important to respect and acknowledge your past in order to live in the present and plan for the future.
yea, all sorts of stuff gets in the way of rational thinking, when there’s so many talking at once inside of us.
Hey s, its interesting aa cause i dont think my comment had much to do with your comment as much as whats going on with us at the mo. 🙂
Hey s, its interesting aa cause i dont think my comment had much to do with your comment as much as whats going on with us at the mo. 🙂
This discussion is tearing me appart. I can’t cope. Idon’t know what to do. I’m over the edge
Hi Cheryl and sns,
Sorry about the ‘woman therapist’ comment. A good therapist certainly can be male and have just as much empathy and be someone to trust. In some situations it would even be a beneficial theraputic relationship.
A lot of us have problems with men and feel under pressure to perform, and do it right, and be always thinking about the next step. In my case I just feel more comfortable with a woman. Sometimes my thoughts just fire off from left field. I was just worried about the ‘pressure to remember’ aspect and the fact that it made Cheryl confused and less hopeful. Probably it was also my concern to shield someone from hurt or dissapointment… My personal problem, being let down by men in positions of trust. I wish you well.
Hi Cheryl and sns,
Sorry about the ‘woman therapist’ comment. A good therapist certainly can be male and have just as much empathy and be someone to trust. In some situations it would even be a beneficial theraputic relationship.
A lot of us have problems with men and feel under pressure to perform, and do it right, and be always thinking about the next step. In my case I just feel more comfortable with a woman. Sometimes my thoughts just fire off from left field. I was just worried about the ‘pressure to remember’ aspect and the fact that it made Cheryl confused and less hopeful. Probably it was also my concern to shield someone from hurt or dissapointment… My personal problem, being let down by men in positions of trust. I wish you well.
Hi Cheryl, how to deal with memories is an important issue. I am going to write a blog post about it later today and file it under memories so that it can be traced easier – so many good ideas get kind of lost in the comment section. Regarding your therapist, it doesn’t matter whether you are with a male or a female. The important thing is that you trust your therapist and that you feel that recovery is on its way.
Hi Cheryl, how to deal with memories is an important issue. I am going to write a blog post about it later today and file it under memories so that it can be traced easier – so many good ideas get kind of lost in the comment section. Regarding your therapist, it doesn’t matter whether you are with a male or a female. The important thing is that you trust your therapist and that you feel that recovery is on its way.
I agree that you cant remember before your ready and yes maybe someone who understands did would be helpful, and maybe your therapist could help you with that. But what is it with this women therapist thing, I have seen a few comments on other posts that suggest that a woman therapist may be more suitable as if there the only ones that can work with this sexual abuse stuff, but hey a news flash, women abuse to!
maybe you need a woman therapist who is competant in dealing with DID. Memories cannot, must not, be forced. It takes time and patience. sometimes years. It is your own journey and books cannot see into your mind, your life, your hurts. A good therapist will support you where you are at the moment, work only with what you bring up in sessions, help you identify and deal with your feelings and the feelings of your inside people and listen and wait. A good therapist should have good supervision and not be afraid to refer if he has not got adequate experience to guide you safely. I don’t think we can remember before we are ready.
Take care.
I agree with M. It would help me a great deal if I knew what others experienced. I have been in therapy for 2 years now with a therapist I really trust but who has no experience with DID although he is the one who found it in me. What he said really made sense and I am finally to the point where I will allow the alters to communicate directly with him. We’ve hit a roadblock though because the “simple” sexual experiences I currently remember as a child would not seem to be significant enough to have produced the feelings of trauma that I have always lived with. So we are both feeling that there were experiences that I am not yet remembering and we don’t know how to get me to remember them. So as I have been doing some research on repressed memories I am finding all kinds of books that scoff at the whole thing and say it is just a result of therapists putting ideas into our heads. Also, that DID doesn’t really exist. So now I’m feeling confused and less hopeful.
I agree with M. It would help me a great deal if I knew what others experienced. I have been in therapy for 2 years now with a therapist I really trust but who has no experience with DID although he is the one who found it in me. What he said really made sense and I am finally to the point where I will allow the alters to communicate directly with him. We’ve hit a roadblock though because the “simple” sexual experiences I currently remember as a child would not seem to be significant enough to have produced the feelings of trauma that I have always lived with. So we are both feeling that there were experiences that I am not yet remembering and we don’t know how to get me to remember them. So as I have been doing some research on repressed memories I am finding all kinds of books that scoff at the whole thing and say it is just a result of therapists putting ideas into our heads. Also, that DID doesn’t really exist. So now I’m feeling confused and less hopeful.
Hi Amanda, great to hear from you. You can email it to me but not sure we are allowed to do that on here. Have to ask Gudrun how we can do that privately.
I felt locked away, so I understand what you mean by the iron gate.The march sounds like such a positive step. I also know what you mean by the light at the end of the tunnel although there is some travelling to do to get to the other side. I am not just surviving today I am living! It’s been the biggest learning curve! I would be happy to share my story with you! How could I send as I do not recommend Strategic Book Publishing. They are currently under investigation in Florida.
I would like to see more on the attatchment that most alters have to their abuser(s). That has been one of the hardest things for me to deal with and it still would frighten me to run into one of them not knowing what would happen or what I would do.
Wow! Amanda how awesome to have written a book. I can imagine that yes that would be so liberating. I have only just recently had a similar experience but mine was that I went on the ACC March in Auckland in October and walked up front with the survivors. It was so awesome to yell out the chants and then when the big fluffy mike and the camera was on me and asked a question of why I am on this march I almost froze for a second but I didn’t and just yelled out why. It was very liberating and I thought of all who wasn’t able to go on the March and imagined them all behind me. Thousands of voices that just want to be heard. It was like a big iron gate or door had been in front of me keeping me silent – in that march I was able to push through it and only good has come out of it. In my personal life and in me really good things are happening and I can see the end of the tunnel. I always thought it would be great to see the end of the tunnel as I thought that would mean that it was completely over and I would be one whole person. But it isn’t like that I still have a way to go but me and my parts are coming together and I have a realistic view of what is up ahead and what is probably going to be hard but I now believe in the process and in myself (to a certain degree) but the end of the tunnel is in sight but lots of work to be done in me and outside of me. I’d love to read your book!!!
Hi there, I know all about keeping things hidden. I too thought that I could be punished by exposing the truth. I eventually wrote a book and had it published. It felt so liberating, and I am pleased I did it. I sent a copy to my parents, etc. It turns out the publishing company was abit of a scam so I won’t be making any money. Still it was worth more than money, just to be heard OUTLOUD! I guess you know when the time is right!
Hi Rachel, this is a great way of talking to me – althogh sometimes it takes a while for me to respond. I love your explanations of the colours – and thank you for sharing your happy secret with me and the other readers of this blog. I hope you find some posts here that you like.
Hi Rachel, this is a great way of talking to me – althogh sometimes it takes a while for me to respond. I love your explanations of the colours – and thank you for sharing your happy secret with me and the other readers of this blog. I hope you find some posts here that you like.
Dear Gudrun,
I have just today found out what a blog is. I am glad I know. We had icecream in the movies today. Am I allowed to talk to you on this? Its funny typing but we can do it. I think being a multiple is ok because you get to have all the colours not only the ones that fit in the world. One time I noed that I could breathe under the water and that was the best secret ever. Then telled the others and they didn’t really believe me. One of the others tried to do it and they couldn’t-but I can. Being multiple is the same as that to us…its a happy secret, like knowing when you close your eyes that there is a colour behind your very own eyes that other people don’t know is there. It like a little ray of light that you know about and it is connected to the big sun. Its better not telling anybody about it becuase they can’t see it anyway. We want to have all the colours so I am glad we are multiple.
Hello Vicki, I think I have responded to you before, but I am not sure. Typepad, the people who host my blog have made some big changes and since then I am missing some posts. Anyhow: I hope you have settled in with your therapist.
Trust is a big issue for all survivors of interpersonal trauma. Trust is also not something that you have or don’t have. Trust needs to be built. People have to be trustworthy, predictable, reliable, and honest. Well, that would be the most important qualitities I would be looking for before trusting someone.
I think you are being very sensible when you measure carefully what and how much you share with others. People don’t have to share deep personal issues in order to connect. Giving your opinion about a certain issue, be that about life, cooking, gardening, justice, or travelling, goes a long way when connecting with others. The rest develops slowly after that!
Take care
Gudrun
Hello Vicki, I think I have responded to you before, but I am not sure. Typepad, the people who host my blog have made some big changes and since then I am missing some posts. Anyhow: I hope you have settled in with your therapist.
Trust is a big issue for all survivors of interpersonal trauma. Trust is also not something that you have or don’t have. Trust needs to be built. People have to be trustworthy, predictable, reliable, and honest. Well, that would be the most important qualitities I would be looking for before trusting someone.
I think you are being very sensible when you measure carefully what and how much you share with others. People don’t have to share deep personal issues in order to connect. Giving your opinion about a certain issue, be that about life, cooking, gardening, justice, or travelling, goes a long way when connecting with others. The rest develops slowly after that!
Take care
Gudrun
I have just been reading through the information your website provides.It makes a great deal of sense to me and is well written. I struggled to overcome my Dissociation Identity Disorder yet I journeyed through the pain and discovered a sense of self. I have had a book published in the US this year titled ‘As One’.
I have just been reading through the information your website provides.It makes a great deal of sense to me and is well written. I struggled to overcome my Dissociation Identity Disorder yet I journeyed through the pain and discovered a sense of self. I have had a book published in the US this year titled ‘As One’.
Hi there…the more the subject is discussed the better I say. I am interested in reading other peoples stories. I have written a book on the subject titled ‘As One’ which was published in the US this year. In my opinion D.I.D is a creative way to stay alive until you are ready to face your deepest insecurities HEAD ON.
Hello,
I was forwarded this website and upon looking around, I found your post. I totally agree which is why we started An Infinite Mind. http://www.aninfinitemind.com Check us out. I think you find valuable information and support there.
Jaime
I am happy to have found your blog and have already forwarded it on. I look forward to catching up on more of your writing soon. In the meantime, I hope you will check out the following: http://womenspeakout.wordpress.com/
Cheers.
Ophelia
Hi SecretShadows, sorry only just saw this post. wow! good on you! have been on your blog and found some really helpful things about internal communication and what happens at time of dissoctiating – found that really interesting as I didn’t realise others had the same or similar experiences. Good to know!!!
Nice to meet you Crapper!!! Why do you have such a problem? Of course you don’t have to come here but it sounds like you might need to.
Nice to meet you Crapper!!! Why do you have such a problem? Of course you don’t have to come here but it sounds like you might need to.
Hi Robert,
Yes for sure. Everytime something is shared we have a time where we are living with a big cloud over us and that feeling of dread that is about to happen. I am learning to reassure them and be compassionate – although I do find this difficult. I am learning that even my dark and scary parts came in love and so I could carry on with life and not remember. None of our parts were created to hurt us but to protect us. It is very scary though. Hope that helps a little.
Hi Robert,
Yes for sure. Everytime something is shared we have a time where we are living with a big cloud over us and that feeling of dread that is about to happen. I am learning to reassure them and be compassionate – although I do find this difficult. I am learning that even my dark and scary parts came in love and so I could carry on with life and not remember. None of our parts were created to hurt us but to protect us. It is very scary though. Hope that helps a little.
A question …. does anyone else feel that if they share anything they should be punished ? The dark ones say that i should be quite literally beaten as i was back there then for sharing. ( Whispers so they can’t hear ) i so want to tell them to taking a flying leap off of a very short pier…but i am afraid…so i don’t. Anyway does anyone have any ideas ?
We have been telling our secrets….
I am enjoying this blog, as I go back through the old posts.
It is always fascinating to me to read about other people who suffer from DID.
I started my own blog at:
http://reunitedselves.blogspot.com/
if you are interested. I have spent the last two years working towards integration and learning how to heal from the abuse of my childhood. I would really enjoy comments, stories and input from others who are also recovering from abuse.
Hi Paul and Vicki, trust is a huge issue for most people. But those who have been abused, struggle with it more than others. Trust, however, is not something a person has or hasn’t. Trust is something to be build between two people – or more if you are in a group. It’s always a mutual project.
I’ve read through part of your site and find it very different from others out there, so I look forward to keeping up with it. Thanks! Trust is huge for me!
I read your post on trust. Trust is such a challenge!!!!!
I do try to trust other people as I do want to grow as a whole person. But I find I get really let down when I let people in. I am very protective about the things I let people know about me and I omit as many details as possible – so sharing any thoughts or feelings is a huge leap and one that is rarely taken.
Trusting my therapist seems impossible. I have been with her for almost a year and a half. I still find it hard to share things with her and behind it all I am feeling insecure whether she likes me at all. She has been away sick for almost 5months and it feels like our relationship is almost broken. We start back again soon and I am going back because I feel like she is the only connection I have with outside people.
The hardest thing is trusting myself. I dont trust that I am a good person. I dont trust the things i go through are real. I dont know whether i have DID or if I am just making myself crazy because I want attention.
Hi m, thanks for pointing out that it would be good to see all the different ways of experiencing DID. You are totally right, its very different for people. I am going to post something in the next few days. Keep an eye out for it! 🙂 Gudrun
Hi m, thanks for pointing out that it would be good to see all the different ways of experiencing DID. You are totally right, its very different for people. I am going to post something in the next few days. Keep an eye out for it! 🙂 Gudrun
It would be really good to hear how different people experience DID,I dont think everyone experiences DID as having complete seperation of there parts. Some may only know there parts as voices that have a picture of who these voices look like and feel like. Im not even sure if this would be classed as DID. Your thoughts would be apprecieated
you gonna do a ester egg hunt lik wat you dune the crismas hunt. thankyou if you do.
the reinbow is kool.
Hi Craprper,I have neither the time nor the interest for this kind of conversation. But feel free to make constructive feedback on other postings on my blog.
Cheers Gudrun
Hi crapper, It is interesting that you seemed to have stumbled on this sight,What are the questions you might be asking yourself? Food for thought….
What nonsense. If you were a therapist of any calibre you wouldn’t have the time for such a large web site or any web site at all for that matter. This is crap!
What nonsense. If you were a therapist of any calibre you wouldn’t have the time for such a large web site or any web site at all for that matter. This is crap!
Hi Gary, Thanks for your inquiry. I am living and practicing in New Zealand. I don’t have any idea who can best help your daughter. I would talk to the doctors that are working with her – if that doesn’t satisfy me, I would look up the International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation http://www.isst-d.org/ and see which of their members practices in the area I live.
All the best – Gudrun
Hello,
My 15 year old daughter became anorexic mid-08. At the end of 08 – while hospitalized, she determined she has at least three voices in her head telling her all sorts of negative inuendo. Her psychiatrist has not labelled her, but is leaning more toward bi-polar at this time. We live in the Chicago area. is there any one or group you might recommend?
Best,
Gary
Hello,
My 15 year old daughter became anorexic mid-08. At the end of 08 – while hospitalized, she determined she has at least three voices in her head telling her all sorts of negative inuendo. Her psychiatrist has not labelled her, but is leaning more toward bi-polar at this time. We live in the Chicago area. is there any one or group you might recommend?
Best,
Gary
I love the picture on this page!
Hi Robert, great that you found my blog. I hope that you feel free to write as much as you feel like. Dissociation – I assume that is your struggle as well – can be pretty lonely and isolating. People often don’t believe in it, think that multiples are weird, or find it really difficult to get their head around it. If this blog can assist people to feel not so alone in their recovery, I have achieved my goal!
Take care
Gudrun
Hi Robert
Welcome to this site. Glad you find it so liberating, as you see all the topics freely spoken about. I find that too… yaya!!! A sight that understands me.
Miss Gudrun,
I have been hearing about You and this site from a survivor and checked it out. i am amazed at the amount of information and how open and easy it is given. Most of my life i have tried to be secret and anonymous like some sort of shadow not wanting to cause attention to me.
Now i find this site where it is okay to just look up any information on these topics ! The freedom to talk is something i so desire but still hesitate. So, i will end now because we are as nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs
Oh! I’d also like to learn more about what a healthy relationship looks like. Where you have 5050 give n take. Where you can be honest and confront issues with no fear of losing out. I wonder whether you are able to have a healthy relationship until you like yourself more.
Oh! I’d also like to learn more about what a healthy relationship looks like. Where you have 5050 give n take. Where you can be honest and confront issues with no fear of losing out. I wonder whether you are able to have a healthy relationship until you like yourself more.
Hi, yes I would like to know more about attachment to the perpetrator verses that relating with the perp. You know what we discussed!!!! When by doing so you try and escape from being the victim. When as a child you feel there’s no where else to go.
Would also like to learn more about facing confrontations and being angry. I tell my kids its ok to be angry (but no way do I allow myself to be)- I say its not being angry that is the problem but its what you do with it. Have to use self control. (ha!! probably need to trust myselves more hey!).
Thanks
Hi all, thanks for letting me know how important the issue of secrecy is. We’ll get stuck into exploring it as the year progresses and us New Zealanders get back into working mode after the summer holidays. Please let me know if there is another issue that you would like to have addressed!
Hi Souls. Yeah, its so ironic isn’t it. We become DID because the secret has to be kept secret and then when we grow up and that old coat don’t fit no more we find that we this disorder which we have to fit into this grown up life. But not only do we have to try and function normally but we have to do childhood all over again. Its hard to live childhood all over again when you have to get used to all these parts that are all you but all seem to have a mind of their own and cause you trouble that your left to fix up. Ha! but with the thanks of movies like Sybil, and the rest how can we come out and tell people what we have, but its not just that either is it. So much controversy about it keeps us in our silence. The best thing we have going for us though, is that we have been through the worse. All we have to do is relive our childhood, have fun doing it, become compassionate toward ourselves and who knows what may happen. The thing is for me I find that all this can either get me down and keep me stuck or keep perservering to become as whole as I can be. The latter is what I choose to do. I will not give up because perseverence is succeeding because we’re determined to not because we’re entitled to. Perseverence is needed to win the prize and turns adversity into advancement. And it doesn’t mean stopping because we’re tired but because the task is done. You know what. All of us with DID have already persevered so much and we will keep on keeping on. OH well thats me feel like I’m rattling on. All the best for the new year everyone.
And maybe more about the secrecy attached to the Dissociative Identity Order?
I struggle so much with this secrecy and becoming attached to people. I dont b ecome attached to people 😦
But I know there needs to be some kind of attachement to the therapist for therapy to work. Or am I wrong?
Thank you for all you do and write about Gudrun. This is such a valuable site