Achieving Co-Consciousness: Self-Acceptance-And-Love

Soulmates

On the first glance people may ask “What has co-consciousness to do with loving yourself and accepting all the different parts of you?” My answer to that is “Everything!”

If there is a part of you that you dislike, are afraid of, or even feel disgust for, you will stay away from that part ‘full stop’. If co-consciousness means to know to a large extend what other parts know, feel what they feel, and be able to act as they act, staying away from a part of you will increase the walls that divide you and prevent co-consciousness, not decrease them.

I have written in other posts on this blog about finding compassion for yourself, starting to like your parts, and understanding why they – sometimes – may act in ways that are not helpful nowadays, but has been crucial for survival when you were young.

Of course, part of the problems is the “My parts and me” division that makes it easy for people to claim that the unpleasant, disapproved unwanted behaviour in not ME but THEM. Well, let me tell you: all the conflicts the world has seen throughout history are rooted in ‘ME is different and better than THEM’. It ain’t gonna work! It never has! It never will!

I often get to hear “That’s all fine, but what about such and such behaviour or action. This is totally unacceptable and completely against my morals” I will have to say “No, it isn’t, because you are doing it. You and other parts chose (by turning away from that part) to not pay attention to what is going on and miss the opportunity to intervene. If you all would work together and pay attention to each other, you would be so much stronger energy-wise that the ‘offending’ part. You could stop it!”

That might sound pretty harsh here on paper. When I talk to someone in person, I always make sure that they know I do understand that being able to pay attention to each other is a process that it is harder or even impossible to do at the beginning of therapy than later on when a lot of trauma has been dealt with.

It comes down to forgiving yourself for not having been able to stop some of your actions, thoughts, and feelings that you now feel ashamed about. We all can only do the right thing as much as our awareness and consciousness allows.

46 thoughts on “Achieving Co-Consciousness: Self-Acceptance-And-Love

  1. vicki says:

    Shortly after posting this I had a really precious dream in the dream I became quite small and distressed and a luminous being came, read stories and put her to bed. I feel like I want to frame this like a prized picture and hang it on the wall!
    Since then I still struggle with nights as a time where things get messed up and there’s a lot of stuff thats hard to understand and is distressing. But these things (like the pillowcases) are probably ways of helping but don’t fix things.
    I find that dreams tell a lot about what is going on and even if they are unpleasant they can be a form of communication – something I don’t seem so good at with myself. I have began recording the dreams I remember.
    I have also tried what Gudrun suggested in the trusting your feelings post-
    “Tapp on your chest in the sternum area and calm that younger part down. “It’s ok now, I will take care of the situation”.
    I am not sure yet but it did get me through the supermarket a place that can be overwhelming.
    The new smiling picture is a good one (: Makes it nice and welcoming coming to visit MV.

  2. vicki says:

    Shortly after posting this I had a really precious dream in the dream I became quite small and distressed and a luminous being came, read stories and put her to bed. I feel like I want to frame this like a prized picture and hang it on the wall!
    Since then I still struggle with nights as a time where things get messed up and there’s a lot of stuff thats hard to understand and is distressing. But these things (like the pillowcases) are probably ways of helping but don’t fix things.
    I find that dreams tell a lot about what is going on and even if they are unpleasant they can be a form of communication – something I don’t seem so good at with myself. I have began recording the dreams I remember.
    I have also tried what Gudrun suggested in the trusting your feelings post-
    “Tapp on your chest in the sternum area and calm that younger part down. “It’s ok now, I will take care of the situation”.
    I am not sure yet but it did get me through the supermarket a place that can be overwhelming.
    The new smiling picture is a good one (: Makes it nice and welcoming coming to visit MV.

  3. vicki says:

    I recently re -read the comments Jae made about the pillowcases. I have ‘feel good’ stuff around for the night but I thought I would also try this. It was really fun going out and buying different coloured pillowcases and I also bought some of those iron on patches of cute characters and animals. I have bought more pillows and made nice spaces in my room for me to go. I often wake up in the same places under things and behind things having had bad dreams, so I am trying out putting things in these spaces to help. I think it also helps trying something that someone else does because it kind of opens up your world a bit and links it in a way to someone else’s world. This ‘night world’ for me is very much isolated and not something others know about or that I can talk about and I tend to dissociate when trying to discuss problems in the night in therapy.
    So thanks for sharing about the pillowcases. This pillowcase idea also leads me to think of this site and of the nice people here before I sleep which helps with some night anxiety (:
    I’ll let you know if it helps, however I guess even the act of taking Jae’s idea and buying things especially for those scary night spaces is the start of helping.

  4. vicki says:

    I recently re -read the comments Jae made about the pillowcases. I have ‘feel good’ stuff around for the night but I thought I would also try this. It was really fun going out and buying different coloured pillowcases and I also bought some of those iron on patches of cute characters and animals. I have bought more pillows and made nice spaces in my room for me to go. I often wake up in the same places under things and behind things having had bad dreams, so I am trying out putting things in these spaces to help. I think it also helps trying something that someone else does because it kind of opens up your world a bit and links it in a way to someone else’s world. This ‘night world’ for me is very much isolated and not something others know about or that I can talk about and I tend to dissociate when trying to discuss problems in the night in therapy.
    So thanks for sharing about the pillowcases. This pillowcase idea also leads me to think of this site and of the nice people here before I sleep which helps with some night anxiety (:
    I’ll let you know if it helps, however I guess even the act of taking Jae’s idea and buying things especially for those scary night spaces is the start of helping.

  5. Gudrun Frerichs says:

    Hi Shyme, your struggle is shared by many people who have experienced abuse in the past. I feel sad when I hear a part of you being in distress and it feels too difficult for you to attend to him/her. Its a very hard thing to do, yet not attending is like ignoring all over again. Do you think you can learn with the help of your therapist to pay just a little bit attention to the distressed part, so that over time you get better and better at listening to the hurting part? That would be good! Take good care. Gudrun

  6. shyme says:

    I have a part that gets really really panicked and gets scared and gets really stuck. I have dreams about her and I can feel when she cant breathe or cant move. But the thing is if I try to hear her or talk to her I feel pulled in and end up getting lost. Does anyone understand this with for them? I just dont want to get pulled in so I dont want to hear it and I dont want to see her. But other people are saying that they talk to there parts but I just have to keep everything going so everything is ok and I just dont want to get lost and pulled in because than everything is not ok.

  7. sophie says:

    I hope that this week isnt as hectic as last week for you. You are right about writing – I find it a great help – and like you, reading a lot of the articles on this site as well.

  8. sophie says:

    I hope that this week isnt as hectic as last week for you. You are right about writing – I find it a great help – and like you, reading a lot of the articles on this site as well.

  9. Leonie says:

    Thanks Sophie,
    Yes its been a week from another planet. But seems to be coming right now. I think for the first time I put in a huge effort to find a balance between blocking out completely & staying in touch with thoughts,feelings. Have been keeping a daily dairy as recommended , that helps. Also this site & exploring it further has helped tremendously.
    I found an amazing article and will post excerpts from it , when I remember where it was again. It also helps a great deal to know your not alone. Thanks Sophie, hope all is ok in your world too. One day at a time is working at present. Im finding it refreshing now to go at my own very slow pace.

  10. sophie says:

    Hi Leonie
    Wow – what an ordeal. 5 hours of assessments – that would of been bleemin hard!!! I have always found that after a ACC DATA assessment that it invokes more fear and in a way retraumitises me. Always need to look at the report once and then leave it with therapist – and never look at it again. It is awful when things are written in black and white. Seems to make them more real. I hope you can do things that help you destress. I find getting lost in a good book helps me. Hope you dont have to wait too long for counselling and that you find a counsellor who you relate well to – someone who you feel understands and has insight into the difficulties facing abuse survivors.
    hope you are in an ok space.

  11. Leonie says:

    Thanks Sophie,
    Reading your comment has helped a great deal. It’s helped me in accepting where things are at more, (again). In these last two weeks especially , (with 5 hours of assessments) I’m back & forwards like a yo yo between denial & healed. You really helped remind me (to believe) that there is work to do (internal work). I am very hopeful counseling will be available after these last two assessments. I think they just jolted my reality on what I will be facing by about 9.4 on the richter scale.
    (God bless the Cantabrian’s).
    Also I found this article (last sundays Herald) about 10 minutes ago , it’s very helpful too.
    I am looking forward to the next group, signed up already.
    Thanks again Sophie, take care.
    http://www.nzherald.co.nz/opinion/news/article.cfm?c_id=466&objectid=10671119

  12. sophie says:

    totally understand where you are coming from. FOr over 30 years i thought i was coping – but it happened because i minimised the depth of effect that childhood trauma had had on me. But have to say now with less denial and some acceptance of the effects -the saying that – there is no one so blind,as one who does not want to see! this so applied to me. The poor self esteem, the feelings of alienation, the lack of trust in anyone, the sense of needing to always appear able, never mind all the problems in my relationship … the list goes on. It took a huge shock to unhinge me and slowly start to rebuild the foundations of my life – it is still not easy at times – terror can still wreck havoc but i can understand that by learning skills , such as relaxation when combined with other skills – they can have a positive effect. But not always – i suppose one has to accept that this healing path doesnt move in a straight upwards direction! Oh no – many little setbacks , huge advances, setback and so on. I learnt a powerful lesson this week, when i was feeling really overwhelmed by a huge trigger, flashbacks and the aftermath – by having a group where i could talk about it HELPED enormously. (therapist away – so couldnt off load there)
    this site is a bit like that isnt it? so i hope you are feeling not so stuck – i do think there is a difference about being able to work and using work as a way to not allow
    one time to think about ones life. what i wish for is a balance – hopefully one day thats what we all will have. Take care

  13. Leonie says:

    …actually I need to correct this, the meditation did happen during a last stint of not working (couple of years ago) through (Yoga) which I loved. As soon as I returned to work back then, I tried to keep up the Yoga for a while but found that the (relax part) couldn’t arrive and could not shut out thoughts of work, this resulted in a severe headache each and every time I attempted yoga. Work won & I stopped Yoga.
    Not working at present and guess I could go back to yoga.

  14. Leonie says:

    Reading all of these comments about this helps with understanding…… I also am left with a huge question that has been a constant source of frustration for some time – especially lately.
    A couple of years ago, I truly believed I was healed. I was able to do all the positive things mentioned on this site, meditate, exercise, was working, happy within myself (at least I thought so) and didn’t have any problem sleeping. In hindsight I was apparently, over-active, emotionally unavailable and insensitive to others needs………this was stated by a friend, family, police, CYCFs and more recently has been confirmed by a Psycologist & my support person from the SOSA network. So i’m feeling that while they must be right, how the heck do I move forward when doing those very things, meditation,exercise,work really just helped me disguise “unhealed Trauma” . I am currently really struggling in a desperate attempt to not fully disassociate from my past. I feel VERY STUCK that I can not do these things to help myself either- as I will leave the (younger, angry inner me) behind, if I do. Gudrun what can I do ?

  15. Leonie says:

    Reading all of these comments about this helps with understanding…… I also am left with a huge question that has been a constant source of frustration for some time – especially lately.
    A couple of years ago, I truly believed I was healed. I was able to do all the positive things mentioned on this site, meditate, exercise, was working, happy within myself (at least I thought so) and didn’t have any problem sleeping. In hindsight I was apparently, over-active, emotionally unavailable and insensitive to others needs………this was stated by a friend, family, police, CYCFs and more recently has been confirmed by a Psycologist & my support person from the SOSA network. So i’m feeling that while they must be right, how the heck do I move forward when doing those very things, meditation,exercise,work really just helped me disguise “unhealed Trauma” . I am currently really struggling in a desperate attempt to not fully disassociate from my past. I feel VERY STUCK that I can not do these things to help myself either- as I will leave the (younger, angry inner me) behind, if I do. Gudrun what can I do ?

  16. uznco says:

    This is one of my favourite sayings at the mo!!! I hope it is ok to put it on here. But it really does give me the strength to carry on!!!
    God grant me the serenity
    to accept the things I cannot change,
    courage to change the things I can,
    and the wisdom to know the difference.
    Living one day at a time,
    enjoying one moment at a time;
    accepting harship as a pathway to peace…

  17. uznco says:

    Hi Jessica
    Gosh! I can’t really answer your question to why you continue to have the father in your life. All I can do is tell you why I do things. Like I sent an invite for my mother to join me on facebook. At the time I thought well I am trying to find it in myself to forgive her and so I will need to be in contact with her. Since having her on there I have seen her online and she never speaks to me and I never speak to her. My therapist asked me why I did that. I explained I wanted to know how to contact her incase I need to send her a letter telling her I’d forgiven her…but as my therapist says I am way away from be able to do that. Although I am choosing to try. Anyway, I decided to look at her photos which confirmed everything I knew but I guess I was hoping it would have changed. She is enjoying his money and having fun going all over the world when I can’t even afford to take my kids away for even a weekend. I saw that my brother is back in touch with them and thats why he wants nothing to do with me and that he has had my parents over and there was a picture of his oldest daughter (the most vulnerable one) sitting on his knee. This really threw me. Anyway, getting back to my mother I hope that it would be different. Which I have learnt is crazy thinking. Its like insanity which to me is doing the same thing over and over and over and over again hoping for a different result. I think the real reason I contacted my mother through facebook was that I was hoping that she would apologise, and that we would talk and she would have finally left the father. That’s never gonna happen!!! It hurts. Although I have not been in touch with my father for 18 years he still has power over me. I still have a part that acts and identifies with the father. But you know what I am learning and what I am gathering from what you are saying is that whether they are in our lives, not in our lives or dead we can allow them to wreck our lives. What I have gathered lately though is that they are not wrecking my life…I am!!! Sorry hun to be so blunt but for me I think this is true. I am doing similar thing with my boys, I say you are now adults you have take responsibility for your life. I will not rescue anymore, I know you haven’t had a good start to life because of me and their father but take charge and don’t blame us anymore… Your life is now your responsibility and that I am 48 years old and am only just realising this now. I am responsible for my life, for the past 30 years, for now and for the future. I can’t do anything to change the past but I can do something about the now and my future. I choose to take responsibility and stop blaming them. I will let them go…haven’t quite done it yet but I know I am getting there. I am doing it. Don’t feel bad that you can’t right now hun… you will do what it is you need to do and your timing. Only the right time for you will be the right time. Your doing awesome girl and you will get there. Hope that helps a little.

  18. uznco says:

    Hi Jessica
    Gosh! I can’t really answer your question to why you continue to have the father in your life. All I can do is tell you why I do things. Like I sent an invite for my mother to join me on facebook. At the time I thought well I am trying to find it in myself to forgive her and so I will need to be in contact with her. Since having her on there I have seen her online and she never speaks to me and I never speak to her. My therapist asked me why I did that. I explained I wanted to know how to contact her incase I need to send her a letter telling her I’d forgiven her…but as my therapist says I am way away from be able to do that. Although I am choosing to try. Anyway, I decided to look at her photos which confirmed everything I knew but I guess I was hoping it would have changed. She is enjoying his money and having fun going all over the world when I can’t even afford to take my kids away for even a weekend. I saw that my brother is back in touch with them and thats why he wants nothing to do with me and that he has had my parents over and there was a picture of his oldest daughter (the most vulnerable one) sitting on his knee. This really threw me. Anyway, getting back to my mother I hope that it would be different. Which I have learnt is crazy thinking. Its like insanity which to me is doing the same thing over and over and over and over again hoping for a different result. I think the real reason I contacted my mother through facebook was that I was hoping that she would apologise, and that we would talk and she would have finally left the father. That’s never gonna happen!!! It hurts. Although I have not been in touch with my father for 18 years he still has power over me. I still have a part that acts and identifies with the father. But you know what I am learning and what I am gathering from what you are saying is that whether they are in our lives, not in our lives or dead we can allow them to wreck our lives. What I have gathered lately though is that they are not wrecking my life…I am!!! Sorry hun to be so blunt but for me I think this is true. I am doing similar thing with my boys, I say you are now adults you have take responsibility for your life. I will not rescue anymore, I know you haven’t had a good start to life because of me and their father but take charge and don’t blame us anymore… Your life is now your responsibility and that I am 48 years old and am only just realising this now. I am responsible for my life, for the past 30 years, for now and for the future. I can’t do anything to change the past but I can do something about the now and my future. I choose to take responsibility and stop blaming them. I will let them go…haven’t quite done it yet but I know I am getting there. I am doing it. Don’t feel bad that you can’t right now hun… you will do what it is you need to do and your timing. Only the right time for you will be the right time. Your doing awesome girl and you will get there. Hope that helps a little.

  19. jessica says:

    In my case i dont’t think it’s bravery, but being a coward when I when I still have contact with my father. Somehow i am still am in his power. My mother died, she just couldn’t live any more under his total controll and sexual deviance. she couldn’t protect herself, let alone me. MY father has gone through two wives, effectively he has killed them with his terrible behaviour and demands. But I am still alive. I have wanted to take my life many times. I have tried several times. but I survive. My father set me up for a lifetime of abuse. What happened with him, I burried so deeply that I never dared let it surface , but when I did, the flood gates opened. I have been hospitalised for 2 or 3 years when I was younger, I have been labled with schitzophrenia and other mental illnesses. but I walked away from all of it, because I wanted my life. I have tried to pretend that I came from a ‘normal’ family, I have tried to make a relationship with my father, as if nothing out of the ordinary ever happened. Why??. Once he told me he was glad he never had children!! I said ‘what about me?’ He just looked at me as if I didn’t exist. But he is, he has to be, a psychopath, he has no conscience, he is god. I grew up thinking that I was evil, a bad girl, and yet I never knew what I did that made me bad. I have never spoken to him about anything that I know about the abuse, as far as he knows, I have no memory, he doesn’t think he has done anything wrong. I deserved everything . It was all in anger. I was not his princess. he has ruined my life and I still invite him for christmas. Why??

  20. jessica says:

    In my case i dont’t think it’s bravery, but being a coward when I when I still have contact with my father. Somehow i am still am in his power. My mother died, she just couldn’t live any more under his total controll and sexual deviance. she couldn’t protect herself, let alone me. MY father has gone through two wives, effectively he has killed them with his terrible behaviour and demands. But I am still alive. I have wanted to take my life many times. I have tried several times. but I survive. My father set me up for a lifetime of abuse. What happened with him, I burried so deeply that I never dared let it surface , but when I did, the flood gates opened. I have been hospitalised for 2 or 3 years when I was younger, I have been labled with schitzophrenia and other mental illnesses. but I walked away from all of it, because I wanted my life. I have tried to pretend that I came from a ‘normal’ family, I have tried to make a relationship with my father, as if nothing out of the ordinary ever happened. Why??. Once he told me he was glad he never had children!! I said ‘what about me?’ He just looked at me as if I didn’t exist. But he is, he has to be, a psychopath, he has no conscience, he is god. I grew up thinking that I was evil, a bad girl, and yet I never knew what I did that made me bad. I have never spoken to him about anything that I know about the abuse, as far as he knows, I have no memory, he doesn’t think he has done anything wrong. I deserved everything . It was all in anger. I was not his princess. he has ruined my life and I still invite him for christmas. Why??

  21. uznco says:

    Hi Jessica and Vicki
    Glad that you are ok. Its lovely to hear that your daughter is doing good and that her 28 years have been good. And Vicki I really can imagine how hard that is. You are both brave to beable to see them. I don’t have anything to do with my mother either – actually I don’t have contact with any of my family and I don’t know which is worse. Reading what you are writing sounds much harder, I don’t know that I would cope at all either going to see them year in and year out. Once the repressed memories came to the surface I realised that there was a lot more to do with how I had felt for years. I was lucky because when I found out and was sure it was him they had moved to Australia and they have not come back because Of the threat my x made to him. That if he came anywhere near me or his kids he would have him arrested. My mother knows it happened but chooses to stay with him and lead my siblings on to believe that I am psycho and have made it all up. But yes it is very lonely at Christmas but I am grateful to my support crew I have around me and my now many friends. I am most grateful for my kids who love me to bits. I guess we all do it the way we can cope the best and for me that was cutting myself off. I didn’t want my kids to get sucked into their web of deceit and pretend to play happy families. Recently I added my mother as a friend on facebook and saw a photo of him and it just about turned my insides out. She wished me happy birthday and all I could think of was why she would do that… what are her motives. Oh dear mother stuff is difficult. Father stuff is worse and I try not to think of either. I do miss my brothers and sister though. Be nice for my kids to know them although they are still in that cycle so maybe its just as well. Sorry I am rabbiting on here, what are all feeling is the loss of the love, honour and protection we should have got from our parents and that loss is so deep. I feel guilty as I feel I should honour them as my parents because they gave me life. The thing is is that they stuffed up big time but my life as an adult I am realising got messed up through my own distorted thinking and choices. I am trying to make amends for my part in all of it but I am always trying to struggle through he rubbish to pick out any good thing that was there. I find that very hard. I am now thankful that I am alive and I am finally getting it back although probably half my life is over. I can make better and healthier choices now and replace what I have lost with better things. I can’t do anything about what has been lost but I can do something about my future. Thats what I hold onto.

  22. vicki says:

    Sigh – I am supposed to be visiting my ‘mother’. I don’t see her as a mother just a blonde woman who repeats herself and makes no sense. For some reason I feel I have to go. I don’t know how I deal with this, last time I just remember the drive there not even the drive back. I don’t ‘see’ anyone else but the mother when I have to visit (but I know that he must be there too). I don’t know how this works only that I can fulfill my duty as a daughter with as little damage as possible. But of course its wrecking havoc on me already and I will have to deal with the aftermath too.

  23. Jessica says:

    Thanks, unzco it means a lot to me, the support I have on this site. somehow it’s a huge burden off my shoulders, just sharing the tough times as well as achievements and insights. It’s my daughters birthday today. She is 28 years old. I was 28 when I had her. It was the best year of my life. 28 is my lucky number. my joy is that she has never had to experience what happened to me, and that she has grown into a beautiful, strong, young woman. It ‘s what I wish for all young women growing up – to look forward. thank you for thinking of me. I am fine and the summer is my fovourite time of the year.

  24. uznco says:

    Oh gosh Jessica!!! Wow!!! I really feel your pain! I feel a bit inadequate in what to say as I am not as brave as you to have the father still in my lives. I have spoken to mine once in 18 years and that was 15 years ago. I cut him out of my life as soon as I realised what he did to me. The mother sticks by him and leads my brothers and sister on to believe that I am psycho and lying. It is normal that you are feeling like this…its a big deal!!! What helps me is to write it out. Can’t swear on here but you can in your journal. Remember, you are very precious and you are doing so well. I have read some of your posts and you are very clued up. Remember your doing well and that you are functioning well. This time of the year is very hard. I’d say because you are able to have him over that you will handle it. We are all here to support you through this right up to Christmas days and after it too. Go well my friend. Thinking of you.

  25. jessica says:

    I am fallen appart and have started drinking, I also have parts that are strong nd thosre who dont know which way’s up. I am crying and can’t even see the key board. I too have that part that seems like the father anf i don’t know what to do with it. He keeps telling me to give in, I want to just do what he says. Te real father is coming to my house for christmsa and I even bought him presents so he wouldn;t be angry with me. this is such an emotionally charged time and everyone inside responds to it differently and simultaneously. It blows me appart, but in reading what you guys say and taking time to write a response , well it sort of calms me. I find it so hard to be so many ages all at once and it makes me so angry that the father should still have such an influence , even though he is in his eighties. although he still hasn’t changed. oh shit I wish someone was with me. I WISH YOU COULD SWEAR ON THIS SIGHT, MY STRONG PART WANTS TO JUST LET RIP.!! I’m so glad I happened on this sight.

  26. uznco says:

    Hey Vicki, you are not crazy you are injured from something you could do nothing about. Keep working through it hun and believe in yourself and believe that you are a worthwhile person and not a crazy person. Stay strong and on here we can all be here for each other. I love this site and all you ladies on here who are sharing your experiences and supportive words. Go well and stay strong.

  27. uznco says:

    Oh wow!! Thankyou Jae. It has so helped to know others have or are experiencing these things. It is the shame and guilt I think that keeps us stuck because we are unable to talk about it for fear of being embarrassed or shamed in some way. I just know that I need to work with this part and let her know she doesn’t have to do these rituals anymore that bed is a good place for rest, love and regeneration not hurt, pain and re-traumatising ourselves. The thing that I find most scarey is that there is a much bigger presence around this. Like an evil presence – a huge monster of a thing that reinforces that this needs to be done to survive and if we don’t conform to it something worse will happen…like what I now call self harmful which I am now well aware of and some other parts of me are too and we work to not allow that to happen. I thought this huge awful part inside of me was actually the father as he behaves just like him often and so we all try not to anger him and keep trying to please him. But, its not the father and there is nothing we can do to please him. I know that it is obviously another part of me but don’t understand why he takes on the persona and identity of the father. I think this part is the part that keeps the trauma alive in us. Hope that is ok to share on here Gudrun. I don’t think I have mentioned this to anyone before except a while back when he first appeared and it freaked everyone out because they thought the father was back. Mmmm!!! I have 8 days of space to be able to start a work on this and then once christmas and new year is over and therapy starts up hopefully I will be able to do some deeper work on this. Just gonna do nice things for us and keep strong. thanks everyone on here for being here during this time. I hope that you all have an awesome Christmas and New Years and that you will make new memories and we can be on here for each other too. Go well everyone!!!

  28. jae says:

    Hey uznco, It is hard to no how to reach these very young parts, and Im still not clear of there story, I have bits and pieces and I guess for me thats ok now, Im not sure if there is one thing that has made the difference or many, but I think for me its that letting go and working with the parts that are connected with the very young ones and letting them no what has changed showing them that things are very different it is kind of filtering down. I still have trouble even using a part of me’s name but my heart has changed towards her, my heart feels warm now when im talking to her and when I feel her around and this is’nt so with everyone but it seems to be helping them as well. I dont think either that there is alot else that you can do, it sounds like you are doing what ever you can, and it just takes time, which is’nt much help when things are just so damn scarey and painful. The rtuals that we go through to get a sleep can be really disturbing and can feel so shameful but they to will get less and less as you travel through this. Saying its hard for me at times just did’nt cut the mustard it was like nobody could hear me properly and saying use this skill and that skill was so damn tiering. Everyone is so different to what works for them, but the simalarities between the things we experience feel like an echo. It sounds like you are working so hard , hang in there I no it changes. Jae

  29. uznco says:

    Yes, it is really good being able to share this stuff and hear back from others and they too have similar experiences. I guess each part of me wants to have the chance to tell what happened to them and I shouldn’t just assume or imagine what I think has happened. But I think in a way I don’t want to know what happened either but then I do want to put the puzzle together even if it doesn’t get completed a portion of knowing is better than none. I guess different emotions and particular things are important to each part of me and I need to experience that too, and they want a chance to tell it. What if they are unable to communicate what happened… like they are too young to talk, write or draw it??? How then are they able to tell their story. I guess showing compassion by just acknowledging their pain and holding them (although i have tried many things in the way of holding them, with braveheart, grapeful and popples but doesn’t seem to comfort them. I have wrapped us up in blankets… we have so many duvee covers on (4 and sometimes a blanket too) and are still cold. (Ha!!! yes I do wake in the morning very hot). More compassion! I will try the pillow case thing maybe but we are not good with that imagining that we are in the sky and stuff. I will have to spend some time on this though. Got a couple of good tips here though huh Vicki!!! Yes, Jessica it can be a full time but as we come together well as I feel other parts of me and we share life I can see the end of the tunnel real close and I guess that we just have to keep going believing in the process and in ourselves. Thanks everyone. Will keep you posted.

  30. jae says:

    Reading everybodies comments on here about the terror of sleep, confirms that we are not alone, it normalises the experiences I have by being able to read what others share. I to have night terrors. Choking,evil stuff happening, being really cold and trying to get warm,but my sheets are so wet cause im sweating so much as well. What I have started to do is have safe sleep pillow cases, sounds weird, but its a bit like a dream catcher. I have a mint green one that feels fresh and reviving like peppermint and it keeps the air fresh and I dont choke, I have a powder blue one that feels like the sky and I fly amongst the billowy clouds and it peaceful and clear, theres no where for the evil to be,I love my white one because theres white theres no dark, sometimes I have more than one at a time depending what is needed, it is helping heaps. I was thinking maybe asking your little ones to create there own or maybe doing one together might bring more of a closeness at sleep times?

  31. Jessica says:

    Hi Vicki and UZNCO,
    It used to be bad for me too, the night, and just when you think you’ve got things sorted, it starts all over again. I have been waking with anxiety and my throat closing over and white noise screaming in my head. I know that I’m dealing with some tough stuff at the moment, bad timing just before christmas – but hey these things seem to be out of our controll!!And also this part of mine is also cold, I have even tried the electric blanket but the body complains that it’s summer, and starts overheating. The only thing I have found is to get up and walk around a bit , make a hot drink and , this might sound odd, but I calm the very small part of me. She often feels the same and she is easier to calm. when she is calm my other very hurt part seems to settle to. I have discovered that they are linked and my older part merges with the small child at the moment of worst pain, by freezing, choking and feeling crushed. In a strangr way, they seem to find comfort in each other. It’s such a full time business isn’t it. I am often exhausted too. but I also delight in the times that I manage well and try to keep them in mind. Go well.

  32. Gudrun Frerichs, PhD says:

    Hi Vicki and UZNCO, one way to understand this is that a part of you is letting you know what it’s experience has been. There is obviously hurting and pain. So I would want to know about that. If someone comes to me hurting, I would want to know what happened, I would give reassurance that things can be worked out, I would feel sad with that part, I would let him/her know that I am here, I would put my arm around it. I know, being there in a compassionate way will help heal the wound.

  33. vicki says:

    sigh,,, it used to be that i just didnt get much sleep and wake up in diferent places but now iwake up and i cantmove and the roof has follen on me and crushing me and i cant breth. i know its not real and i feel things that arnt real but it still hurts. i try to talk about it in therpy but it makes me go away and when i get back my therapist is talking diferent and has her teddies out ..sigh,,, sorry i have no tips my therpist says i will get more control?

  34. uznco says:

    For months been having trouble sleeping. She’s cold often and we will fall off to sleep but wake choking and cold. I hate this and have tried so many different things. I tried saying to all lets huddle together and keep warm – that happened for a while. During the day my life is going so well and I am so excited by what is happening. But I so am not dealing with this issue at night. I am afraid that I will get tired and it will start affecting my life during the day. I am already getting quite tired and don’t have energy to do all I should during the day at home. I hate going to bed and have found one thing that does help but its just reinforcing it and it won’t go away. I don’t know how to connect to this part, but there is fear, shame and guilt. It’s like I am trapped as this part doesn’t communicate in any other way than being cold and choking. Has anyone experienced this…got any tips!!!

  35. Gudrun Frerichs, PhD says:

    Hi J and Jessica, I enjoyed your conversation here on the blog. Survivors have so much wisdom and experience to share that are really helpful for others. So let me reassure you, it is perfectly ok to write about these things here. Take care – Gudrun

  36. jessica says:

    Thanks J, I keep stones in my pockets too!! and marbles. I ‘ve got a whole collection. Is this ok writing these things? Jessica

  37. J says:

    Hey Jessica, sometimes it is helpful to give parts that are struggling like this something of there very own that they choose to make them feel ok and safe, I know that I carry a little piece of stone around in my pocket alot of the time, it was given to me by someone special when I was going through some shit. The part of me that holds onto it was pretty stanch I guess you would say but could connect and self soothe without anyone knowing and that still works. I think now Its shared by all of us when things feel unfamiliar. My guess is that you no all this stuff but hey its nice to share it.Keep strong…

  38. jessica says:

    I know what you are saying about being a protector. I just don’t know how to make her feel safe sometimes. She holds all the blame.She is self destructive and isolsted. One thing we did once was to make her a cloak to wrap around her when she was feeling like spinning out of controll, or when she was cold and lonely. But it was made out of paper and feathers and leaves, a bit flimsy, I don’t think it was good enough. She needs some strong arms. But that requires letting someone close and trust. this feels very strange writing this out into the ether. I guess because it is annonmyous it seems safe . As soon as I wrote the first piece I wanted to take it straight off but I didn’t know how. then I felt good about the response. It made me cry to know someone else was out there.Jessica

  39. j says:

    Hi Jessica, Yea that can be hard, I was the same with those parts, But I discovered the part of me that gave me the most grief with really shameful behaviors were my protecters or the parts that held alot of the traumas, Remember that parts only have limited experiences, only the ones they were created for- to hold and do things we couldnt when there were no other choices, so when we dont experience these things in our life anymore unless we show our parts different and things are different they dont know that they to can have knew experiences to the job that they had been doing so well isnt needed now that was in the past. This is a bit gobbley gook but I hope it makes some sense. Thanks for your imput, much appreciated.

  40. Jessica says:

    Hi J,
    I have done a lot of work with my child parts and have gone from not even liking them to loving and cherishing them. I find it easy to hold them close and care for them. Maybe it was easier because I am a mother myself. But I am struggling with the part I am very ashamed of. She is old enough to know what she was doing. Also it is hard to connect with and love someone who is so dissociated most of the time.
    Jessica

  41. J says:

    I am at the moment trying to love and embrace an amazing part of me that has held so much . I was aked the other day wether I loved this part of me and I felt myself wints to my horror. I have thought about this and I actually do I just find it so hard to sit with the feelings this involves, I can slowly feel myself drowning in shit and I am pulling out all the stops I know but am getting past caring.I know myself very well and enough is enough. maybe not caring is the very thing. What is, is ok.

  42. Paul says:

    Yes, this definitely sounds like “tough love”, but it’s so true. This is how it is. And it’s good to hear someone say it. Thanks!

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